I had a breakdown yesterday, I just can't ignore how unfair the whole thing seems to me. It's not that bad (the breakdown) by the way, nothing is worse than feeling numb, shouting your lungs out or crying till your face feels frozen is not bad, it means your still alive. I don't think I'm depressed, because depression has to be without a reason, while I have one.
fighting a lost battle according to everyone is fine, that I have to do it all alone is fine, that if people knew it will bring shame to me is fine, but the idea of not being able to tell my parents is what brings ache to my heart. I have the best parents, and they think they have the best son, and if I need to live a lie to avoid disappointing them then be it, but I really don't want to regret it later on. the truth is I count myself blessed to have them as parents, that I'd do anything to keep things the way they are.
we spend our lives looking for acceptance, trying to fit in. first you have to be accepted by your family, then peers and by feeling we belong to those, that we are not strange to them that we become normal, that we start to have a sense of self-worth and a self-esteem is built. If we don't or think we don't get our share of acceptance from one of those we are stuck, our character development is interrupted.
I want my parents to read this blog if I died young, to know how much I appreciate them, and how much I suffered because I did.
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