I can't write...
i'm in such a bad state that whatever comes out of my mouth will be either depressing or just disturbing. My friends ask me what's wrong, they leave empty comments of how different I seem to have become. I'm feeling darker, It's not that bad, I see those people with their smiley faces throwing laughs like there's no tomorrow, and all i think of is how different I am. Sometimes I like this difference, for I have always been afraid to be one of the herd being led to the slaughterhouse of forgetfulness. I'm not ashamed of who I am, I'm just sickened by how the people may see me. My self, my true self, if revealed, will possibly push people away from me...
I've felt the liberating feeling of nakedness with only one person: Noura. even that we only met twice, but I'm really glad we did.. for she was the only person I was myself with. it's ironic how it's easier to be yourself with a total stranger than with a close friend. I felt ugly, I felt disgusting, I felt good. and to talk to someone who is almost as fucked up as I am was also comforting.
the worst thing about it, is that through out my life, I never let anyone insult me. I've been raised to force people to respect me. But as soon as my secret is out... I don't know how to describe it, but I imagine it will feel like crucification, with my naked rotten body hung while people watch from below.
all I'm doing is wait for the day I'm crucified...
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